Courage through a Miscarriage

Sam should have been our baby no. 2.  But i guess God has a different plan for him and wanted him to be a part of His angels instead.  My entire pregnancy journey with Sam has taught me courage... courage to accept whatever God has planned for us, even if it hurts... so bad.  And I hope those who has experienced the same would also find courage and acceptance.  Tight hug mothers! 

I wrote this in 2017 so please don't get confused on the dates. :)

I mentioned in my previous entry that there is a main reason why i wanted to start blogging again.  And this is it.  I just want a venue to voice out how and what i really feel, without people hovering over me. 

so let me start at the very beginning. 

me, my husband and my 6 yrs old daughter are very happy.  we are a close knit family eventhough both my husband and i work an 830 - 530 job. during the night, weekends and holidays, my husband and i make sure that we devote our time to our daugher. in short, bumabawi talaga kami. and yes, we are proud to be hands on parents. we do not have a yaya at night and during wkends to make sure that we spend time with our daughter. sure, it's very tiring but trust me, it is worth it. :)

my husband and daughter didn't want to another baby in the family.  my husband due to practical and financial reasons.  raising a kid sure is expensive.  we want to be able to give our kid/s the best that we could and for us to live a bit comfortably.  my daughter on the other hand, was due to selfish reasons. haha.  you know how it is for kids and the selos factor. :)  

anyway, last year, my husband finally agreed to have another baby. and thank God, it was given to us.  we learned that i was pregnant in October 2016 and went to my OB right away.  initial finding was that it looked okay. i was 6 weeks pregnant then and it was simply to early to do an ultrasound, hear the baby's heartbeat, etc. so i was advised to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound at 8 weeks. it was indeed a happy moment for us.  me and my husband are excited. my daughter is excited.  it was just pure bliss as finally my prayer was answered. 

on my 8th week, i had an ultrasound as prescribed by my OB.  immediately, the doctor who conducted the ultrasound detected something wrong in my tummy.  there was internal bleeding (subchorionic hemorrhage) and it was big.  it was so big that it encroaches my womb and the baby.  we saw my baby's heart beat but it was a slow one.  normal heartrate should have been 120 - 150 bpm, my baby's was only 96 bpm.  we went straight to my OB and upon seeing the result, she advised me to go on full bed rest for 2 weeks and asked me drink some meds. 

i've never been more scared in my life after that checkup.  my gosh, i wanted my baby that bad. 

i followed the advise and rested for 2 weeks.  i prayed and prayed and prayed that God give my baby the strength to fight for his life.  never did i lose hope.  because i know losing hope would only mean letting go of my baby as well.  and i can't do that.  i will fight for him as long as God allows me to fight for him.  

come the 10th week and my follow up check up.  the moment I saw the doctor's reaction during the ultrasound, i knew.  my baby was gone.  

i tried being okay with it.  even told the doctor that it was okay.  i was the one consoling the doctor as she was having a hard time telling me that i lost my baby. when we went out of the hospital, i was okay.  no, scratch that.  i wasn't okay, definitely not, but i wasn't crying.  i cried when we were in the car and told my mom the very bad news.  from that moment, i just couldn't stop crying.  and my husband just let me cry because he knew that i needed that.  i needed to grieve.  i needed to let out the sadness and the pain deep within me. i never felt that kind of pain and sadness before.  it was literally like a part of me died.  and i just can't do anything about it.  i felt so helpless.

my husband and daughter did everything to uplift me. and they did.  they allowed me to cry but not to wallow.  they allowed me to be sad but not to be depressed.  

there was physical pain but the emotional pain was just much much more.  and i know it would lessen but it would never go away.  you just have to trust in the Lord and uplift everything to Him.  

that happened on the last week of November 2016.  we would have celebrated our wedding anniversary that weekend too.  but i guess God had a different plan. he wanted to strengthen not just our relationship as husband and wife, but as a family as well and as HIS children. 

i didn't get mad at God. i did not understand why he got my baby that soon but i know He has His own reasons and i know that He will give us another baby in His own perfect time.  i just hope that that perfect time is SOON. 

and there, i just want to share how i truly felt and feel even up to now.  i'm okay now. don't worry. :)

and to you my little angel, my little Sam, i love you! 💗

Why I Came Back to Blogging

Okay, for sure there's a reason why I decided to have a go at blogging again.  Hmm... So, what is it?

one.  i miss it. honestly. 

two. i miss expressing myself. telling stories freely and without any filter.  just letting people get a glimpse of how i really am is something i like.

three.  i miss reading and browsing other blog pages.  i'm so busy that i just can't get infront of a computer for leisure for a long period of time. but whenever i blog, i tend to enjoy thus leading to browsing other pages.  does that make sense? i hope it does. haha

four. i just quit my job. my husband is at work. my daughter is in school. so yes, i am bored. :)

five. this must be the real reason. read up on my next post and i will post about it in more details.

Hello 2019!

2.0.1.9 wow! It’s 2019 already. Time does fly!

I know I said in my previous blog post that I will return to blogging, which I did. Promise! But i had problems with my password and cannot access this site anymore. Hence, I created a new one. But no, i forgot the password as well and to top it off, the name of my 2nd blog. FACEPALM moment or just senior moment. 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I have an excuse, i had anaesthesia injected to me this year and I heard it causes memory lapses to some people so I am assuming that I am one of those people. 😂

But seriously, i have a number of post subjects in kind already so stay tuned. 🙏🏼😊

Welcome Back To Me!

It’s a new year and i think it’s time to finally go back to blogging!

I’m so excited!

Watch out for my return, blogging world! 😂😂😂

PS: ang feeling ko! Kala mo naman may nagbabasa ng blog ko maliban sakin at sa asaw ko! Hahaha

Beautiful Disaster and Walking Disaster

It's been a long time since I fell in love with a book character.  Yes, i love Travis Maddox!  hahaha! Teenager lang ang peg!  ;)

Anyway, a Beautiful Disaster is one heck of a love story.  Nakakakilig promise!!! This is the one book that I literally cannot put down.  Muntik na nga kaming mag-away ng asawa ko dahil for one day eh nakalimutan kong may asawa at anak ako.  As in I was really glued to the book.  I really loved it! Definitely one of my favorite books ever!!!  So when I learned that there was a part two second book written from the perspective of the male lead, Travis, i was ecstatic!  I called Fully Booked and National Bookstore right away but sadly, all copies were already sold out.  Being the impatient person that I am, I asked my husband to buy me an ebook version.  For some reason or maybe I'm just old fashioned, i prefer reading real books compared to ebooks.  Iba e, kahit na mas mura ang ebook!  Anyway, ang nakakainis after a few days, Fully Booked called me to tell me that a new batch of Walking Disaster was delivered to them.  Wala na, huli na ang lahat! Hmp!

So, what's the story.  Here's a summary:

The new Abby Abernathy is a good girl. She doesn’t drink or swear, and she has the appropriate percentage of cardigans in her wardrobe. Abby believes she has enough distance between her and the darkness of her past, but when she arrives at college with her best friend, her path to a new beginning is quickly challenged by Eastern University's Walking One-Night Stand.

Travis Maddox, lean, cut, and covered in tattoos, is exactly what Abby needs—and wants—to avoid. He spends his nights winning money in a floating fight ring, and his days as the ultimate college campus charmer. Intrigued by Abby’s resistance to his appeal, Travis tricks her into his daily life with a simple bet. If he loses, he must remain abstinent for a month. If Abby loses, she must live in Travis’s apartment for the same amount of time. Either way, Travis has no idea that he has met his match.

The way it was written by Jamie McGuire, nakakakilig talaga.  Basta for me a must read sya!  Rather than tell you in details why i love the two books, i'll just share my favorite quotes from the books.  

> “One of these days you're going to fall in love, son. Don't settle for just anyone. Choose the girl that doesn't come easy; the one you have to fight for, and then never stop fighting. Never” 

> “There's a girl, Dad."  

He smiled a bit. "A girl."  

"She kinda hates me, and I kinda..."
"Love her?"
"I don't know. I don't think so. I mean...how do you know?"
His smile grew wider. "When you're talking about her with your old dad because you don't know what else to do.”  

> Abby touched her palm to my cheek.  "You know what, Mr. Maddox?"
"What, baby?"
Her expression turned serious.
"In another life, i could love you."
I watched her for a moment, staring into her glassed over eyes.  She was drunk, but just for a moment it didn't seem wrong to pretend that she meant it.
"I might love you in this one." 

 

> "I like her," I said through my teeth.
Shepley held his hand to his ear. "What? I couldn't quite hear you."
"You're an asshole! Did you hear that?"
Shepley crossed his arms. "Say it."
"I like her, okay?"
"Not good enough."
"I have feelings for her. I care about her. A lot. I can't stand it when she's not around. Happy?”

> "You, Mad Dog, are exactly what I came here to protect her from. But you know what? We're all broken some way or another. Even with your epic fuckup, you just might be exactly what she needs. You get one more chance” 

> “A toast” I yelled, climbing onto a chair. On my way to the top, I stole someone’s beer and held it out in front of me. “To douche bags!” I said gesturing to Brad. “And to girls that break your heart.” I bowed to Abby. My throat tightened. “And to the absolute fucking horror of losing your best friend because you were stupid enough to fall in love with her. ”

A bonus for me was that the supporting characters are lovable too.  I kinda loved America, Shepley and Travis' family as well.  So, in the end, you can't help but root for a happy ending. =) 

 

Kaelin and Fonsy

It's amazing how these 2 tiny babies can bring such GREAT joy to us!  We are truly blessed!  We love you Kaelin and Fonsy! Mwah! We hope you two grow up to be really close too, like brothers and sisters. =)

Ate Kaelin, meet Fonsy...

Fonsy is my sister's son.  So, shempre pinsan sya ni Kaelin.  Haha.  I was really afraid that Kaelin might have the "selos" factor as she was used to being the only baby in the family.  But lo and behold, she loves Fonsy to pieces.  That's the first thing she'll say when she wakes up, she always kisses and hugs him, she always wants to be around him, she cries when we go out and Fonsy is not with us... May separation anxiety yata ang anak ko!  Hala!  Paano na lang kapag lumipat na kami sa sarili naming bahay by September???  Hmmm... on the other hand, hindi na namin poproblemahin kapag susundan na namin sya.  Nasaan na ba ang asawa ko?!  Hahaha! =p  But seriously, we plan to have a second baby when Kaelin turns 3.  We want to enjoy her first.  Ang sarap lang na sya muna ang focus namin ngayon.  =)

It's Been A Long Time

Wow, it surely has been a long time since I post in here.  A lot of things have happened to me that I don't know where and how to start... So, forgive me if this post will not have any flow in it.  I'll just say whatever comes to mind... As always. Haha!  Bullet na lang ha, kinakapa ko pa ulit paano maging "writer". =p

• Working Mom - Yes, i'm a working mom now for 9 months now.  There are times I love it but there are more times, i miss being a stay-at-home mom.  I constantly miss my daughter especially now that's she's in the transition phase from being a baby to being a toddler.  She's a lot talkative now, a lot more playful, a lot more active, and a whole lot more.  Everyday she learns new things and it pains me that i'm not there to be the first one to witness it or even the one who teaches her stuff.  A few hours at night and the weekends are truly not enough time to be with her.  If only I can find a small business or job I can do at home, it would be perfect!

• New Nephew - I have my first nephew (from my immediate family)! His name is Fonsy and he's 4 months now.  He's so cute and such a smiling baby.  Just smile at him, and he'll smile back.  And Kaelin adores him! No jealousy at all!!! She always looks for him, kisses him, play with him and hugs him.  She'll be a great big sister one day! 

• New House - Well, the last time I post here, we were still living at our own condo in Ortigas.  But ever since i got back to the corporate world, we transferred to my parent's house in Marikina.  We're not just comfortable yet in leaving Kaelin with just a yaya, especially a new one at that.  And speaking of house, we bought a townhouse in Paranaque (so its closer to our area of work which is Makati) but turnover is still on September.  Can't wait!

Yan muna ang kwento ko ha.  I'll try to post regularly again though it may be hard as blogs are prohibited websites in the office and my time at home as much as possible, is for my daughter.  But we'll see! =)