Sam should have been our baby no. 2. But i guess God has a different plan for him and wanted him to be a part of His angels instead. My entire pregnancy journey with Sam has taught me courage... courage to accept whatever God has planned for us, even if it hurts... so bad. And I hope those who has experienced the same would also find courage and acceptance. Tight hug mothers!
I wrote this in 2017 so please don't get confused on the dates. :)
I mentioned in my previous entry that there is a main reason why i wanted to start blogging again. And this is it. I just want a venue to voice out how and what i really feel, without people hovering over me.
so let me start at the very beginning.
me, my husband and my 6 yrs old daughter are very happy. we are a close knit family eventhough both my husband and i work an 830 - 530 job. during the night, weekends and holidays, my husband and i make sure that we devote our time to our daugher. in short, bumabawi talaga kami. and yes, we are proud to be hands on parents. we do not have a yaya at night and during wkends to make sure that we spend time with our daughter. sure, it's very tiring but trust me, it is worth it. :)
my husband and daughter didn't want to another baby in the family. my husband due to practical and financial reasons. raising a kid sure is expensive. we want to be able to give our kid/s the best that we could and for us to live a bit comfortably. my daughter on the other hand, was due to selfish reasons. haha. you know how it is for kids and the selos factor. :)
anyway, last year, my husband finally agreed to have another baby. and thank God, it was given to us. we learned that i was pregnant in October 2016 and went to my OB right away. initial finding was that it looked okay. i was 6 weeks pregnant then and it was simply to early to do an ultrasound, hear the baby's heartbeat, etc. so i was advised to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound at 8 weeks. it was indeed a happy moment for us. me and my husband are excited. my daughter is excited. it was just pure bliss as finally my prayer was answered.
on my 8th week, i had an ultrasound as prescribed by my OB. immediately, the doctor who conducted the ultrasound detected something wrong in my tummy. there was internal bleeding (subchorionic hemorrhage) and it was big. it was so big that it encroaches my womb and the baby. we saw my baby's heart beat but it was a slow one. normal heartrate should have been 120 - 150 bpm, my baby's was only 96 bpm. we went straight to my OB and upon seeing the result, she advised me to go on full bed rest for 2 weeks and asked me drink some meds.
i've never been more scared in my life after that checkup. my gosh, i wanted my baby that bad.
i followed the advise and rested for 2 weeks. i prayed and prayed and prayed that God give my baby the strength to fight for his life. never did i lose hope. because i know losing hope would only mean letting go of my baby as well. and i can't do that. i will fight for him as long as God allows me to fight for him.
come the 10th week and my follow up check up. the moment I saw the doctor's reaction during the ultrasound, i knew. my baby was gone.
i tried being okay with it. even told the doctor that it was okay. i was the one consoling the doctor as she was having a hard time telling me that i lost my baby. when we went out of the hospital, i was okay. no, scratch that. i wasn't okay, definitely not, but i wasn't crying. i cried when we were in the car and told my mom the very bad news. from that moment, i just couldn't stop crying. and my husband just let me cry because he knew that i needed that. i needed to grieve. i needed to let out the sadness and the pain deep within me. i never felt that kind of pain and sadness before. it was literally like a part of me died. and i just can't do anything about it. i felt so helpless.
my husband and daughter did everything to uplift me. and they did. they allowed me to cry but not to wallow. they allowed me to be sad but not to be depressed.
there was physical pain but the emotional pain was just much much more. and i know it would lessen but it would never go away. you just have to trust in the Lord and uplift everything to Him.
that happened on the last week of November 2016. we would have celebrated our wedding anniversary that weekend too. but i guess God had a different plan. he wanted to strengthen not just our relationship as husband and wife, but as a family as well and as HIS children.
i didn't get mad at God. i did not understand why he got my baby that soon but i know He has His own reasons and i know that He will give us another baby in His own perfect time. i just hope that that perfect time is SOON.
and there, i just want to share how i truly felt and feel even up to now. i'm okay now. don't worry. :)
and to you my little angel, my little Sam, i love you! 💗
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